Captain Plunderfucker. (ogremarco) wrote in phw,
Captain Plunderfucker.


A special saturday afternoon show at the PHW arena.

First up is a special guest match featuring two Japanese wrestlers. These guys are pals of Hiro Mifune and he worked it around that they would make a stop here before continuing on to their tour of the California territories. We, the audience, are given special instructions to stay completely out of their way if they get out into the seating area, apparently these guys are used to the japanese hardcore fans and will slap the audience around if they get too close. The thing is, the Japanese fans love that stuff and take their slaps and bow and nod. It seems that Wilder is a little worried that the local fans won't take it as kindly.

Now these two, Monk Kasume and Masamoto Jiro, have had a feud running through the smaller Japanese promotions for about three years and this is their first trip to America to bring their angle to the American fans. The Insider and I searched all over, but couldn't find any clips, so this is new to us too.

Both of them have that stocky fireplug look that a lot of the Japanese brawler types have, much like Masato Tanaka. They step up face to face, give each other the hard eyeball and then Kasume plants a slap in the middle of Jiro's chest. Jiro returns in kind and they go back and forth, back and forth, each slap getting louder and louder until each man has to circle away holding himself before returning to take his turn. The crowd is getting into this going "Ohhh" each time a slap is delivered.

Jiro makes the final slap and Kasume staggers away. It seems he's had enough because he turns around and slams a tackle into Jiro. They go down in a heap and Kasume pulls himself up Kasume's torso and starts raining down forearms at Jiro's face. Jiro catches his arm and rolls him over. he goes for some kind of ankle lock and Kasume kicks him off.

Both men are up and they go into a bewildering set of rope spots. Over, under, arm drag, roll up, somersault, back elbow... you get the idea, until Jiro nails an awesomebomb. Jiro goes for the turnbuckle, but takes far too long showboating and Kasume shoves him off to the floor. Kasume follows him out and sends him into the guardrail. (new guardrails, btw, they finally could afford some) Jiro reverses the next whip and Kasume is out into the crowd. Jiro follows and they brawl through the floor seating. One fan is apparently savvy with the Japanese style crowd relations and steps up to Jiro arms down and gets a slap in the chest. The fan backs away bowing. Someone's been to Japan on vacation perhaps? Jiro motions the fan back, pantomimes cupping his hands together which the fan mimics and then uses that as a step to spring off backwards into Kasume. Ok, that was cool.

They bring the action back to the ring and do some flippy floppy before throwing some very big slams and bombs. Kasume puts Jiro into this camel clutch kinda thing using the ropes as leverage. It's a rest hold, but I think they deserve it. He lets Jiro go and Jiro rolls out and gets a chair. He brings it in and Kasume snatches it from him and wails him over the head with it. Jiro takes the shot with arms down and fists clenched and looks up afterwards as if daring kasume to oblige. Kasume is more than happy to and whangs him again. Jiro roars his defiance and Kasume stares at him in disbelief. kasume hauls back and pounds him again. This one puts him down and Kasume flings the chair aside and goes to the turnbuckle and climbs it. He goes up into the stratosphere in what can only be described as a Togobomb that Dick Togo himself would be impressed with. I swear he has re-entry flames coming off him. The whole ring shudders on impact. Kasume rolls Jiro up for the three count after an incredible match that had a crowd who had never seen these guys before on their feet and shouting themselves hoarse. I am impressed and will definitely be buying T-shirts.

Next up is a women's title match between the current title-holder Zombie Girl and Sasha Payne. This is the first title match since the night that The Cabal (that being the name for Wizard and his faction) swept up every title PHW had to offer.

Zombie Girl enters with Vampire thus ensuring this will not be a fair match in my mind at least. Sasha Payne makes her way down looking totally focused. She ignores the crowd, her music, the ring announcer, everything but Zombie Girl.

They lock up and Zombie Girl sends her to the ropes and is there with a shoulder block when she gets back. Sasha Payne does not go down. ZG looks down at her and I imagine disbelief under that creepy mask of hers. ZG takes a bounce off the ropes and collides with Sasha. Sasha Payne once again does not go down. Sasha slaps her own chest and yells at ZG to "Bring it." ZG hauls back with one gigantic undead fist and Sasha is right there with an inside block and a punch of her own. Sasha throws fist after fist up into ZG's face and it starts to stagger the big monster back into the turnbuckle. Sasha throws a forearm then heads to the opposite turnbuckle and charges... right into the bottom of Zombie Girl's massive left foot. As she staggers away ZG is right behind her and smashes her in the back. Sasha staggers into the turnbuckle and rebounds. ZG is there waiting and catches her in a standing abdominal stretch. Now there's something you don't see every day, a giant who can actually apply holds.

ZG leans back again and again and we can all see the agony etched across Sasha Payne's features. When ZG lets go Sasha crumples to the floor in a heap. Zombie Girl picks her up and then drops her with an old fashioned bulldog. ZG stalks around her pulling her off the floor again only to put her back down with a pump handle slam. ZG takes a knee and uses one hand for a lazy cover and Sasha doesn't even wait until two to kick out. ZG lifts her to her feet and picks her up for a powerbomb, but what's this? Sasha is punching down from the lift int Zombie Girl's head. She punches once, twice, three times and ZG pitches back and Sasha rides her down. Sasha struggles up and half drops a knee into ZG's forehead and half collapses.

Both women are down and Owen Sweda is counting. Sasha's up at the count of seven and leans heavily into the corner. ZG sits up ala Undertaker and climbs to her feet. Sasah charges her and ZG sidesteps and sends her flying out of the ring. This is dangerous territory for Payne as Vampire is out there and is now stalking her from around the corner. It looks like he's circling in for the kill as ZG has Owen Sweda's attention. The doors from backstage crash open and Garret Jessup comes out at a dead run. He barrels into Vampire and goes all kinds of knucklecrazy on him. Let that be a lesson to ya, Vamps, some people have mental-as-anything spousal units too. Jessup keeps up a steady stream of admonition while he's pounding on him too. Something to the effect of "Don't! You! Ever! Fucking! Touch! Her!" or the like.

Sasha's back in the ring now, and she and ZG are trading punches and kicks hard. You'd think they don't like each other or something. Sasha sends ZG into the ropes and ducks for the flip toss. ZG stops herself and puts a boot into Sasha's face and then catches her for a standing suplex. She takes her up, but Sasha flails her legs, reverses the grip and comes down. DDT! DDT! OH MY GOD! The crowd chants "One, two, three!!!" and it's over. Score one against the Cabal! Sasha Payne is the new PHW Women's Champion!

Then we all go outside to the parking lot for $2 brats and beer while they set up the ring for the main event, the PHW Hardcore Championship Elimination Free-For-All. Man this is gonna be insane.

We get back in and it's like the hardcore fairy has visited. (now there's a mental image) The ring ropes are replaced with barb wire, there are road signs, garbage cans, two shallow pallets filled with thumbtacks, light tubes (thank you CZW), and various other implements of the extreme scattered around everywhere.

Owen Sweda, Bob Kowalic,and Dianne O'Connor are out there too as well as four other refs I don't recognize. The announcer explains the rules. It's an elimination match. A wrestler is out when he taps, Says he quits, or gets counted out falls count anywhere in the building. It looks like there won't be any backstage count outs, though, because as the last entrant heads to the ring Dave Wilder chains the doors to the backstage shut.

Gathered in the ring are:
Combat Chris Walker
Hiro Mifune
Alex Lobo
Danny Youngblood
Pizza Guy 1, Big Gar
Pizza Guy 2, Robbie K
Jimmy Shenanigan
Mikey Shenanigan
Garret Jessup
Russel Velvet
Rick Witt
Baz Thunder
Paul Dwayne
Toehold Nelson
Keith Risk
Mike Corea
Joker (welcome back, man)
Mad Margeret
Tyler Vaughn

That's twenty four guys if you're counting. Some of them look distinctly like they'd rather be somewhere else. Toehold Nelson, for example, looks like he's gonna barf.

The bell rings and the ring explodes into... metaphors escape me, friends. This is just mental. I'm really having trouble calling the action here. Several guys have already gone to the floor. Domino is chasing Tyler Vaughn around with a fire extinguisher and the big white cloud isn't helping me discern what's going on.

We have our first elimination in under a minute. Mike Corea is knocked unconscious with a stop sign and pinned by Robbie K.

Second out is Burnout, who taps out to a Fujiwara arm bar applied by Toehold Nelson. Way to go Toehold.

Keith Risk Says "I quit" to stop Wizard from dropping him into one of the pallets of thumb tacks. Wizard drops him in it anyway. What a bastard.

Domino and Russel Velvet are dueling with chairs. The Shenanigan Brothers have Mad margeret down and are putting the boots to him. Hiro Mifune jumps off the ring post into a the crowd in the ring and it's carnage carnage carnage.

Chris Walker pins Baz Thunder after smashing him head first into a pile of light tubes. Both men are dripping blood.

Turk 187 Smashes Joker through a table, but only gets a two count. Big Gar picks up a table and smashes both Shenanigans to the ground with it.

Russel Velvet clobbers Domino with a chair shot that leaves the open chair dangling around his neck and then taps out as Velvet chokes him with it.

Mad Margeret sneaks into the audience to have a sitdown and a beer. ok, that's funny.

Big Gar Pins Jimmy Shenanigan, then Mikey Shenanigan in turn, then he get clobbered from behind by Paul Dwayne with a garbage can and counted out himself.

Toehold Nelson Says I quit after losing a fair amount of forehead to the wire.

Mad Margeret finishes his beer and then catches paul Dwayne unawares and smashes him through the ringside seats and into the wall, where he pounds him down and hollers for a ref. No one hears him, so he drags Dwayne back to the ring where he rolls him in and then promptly gets driven shoulders first into the other pallet of thumbtacks by Turk 187 and pinned there.

Wizard, Paul Dwayne, and Rick Witt team up to pin Hiro Mifune after putting him through a table. The three of them then come to the aid of Vampire and stomp Garret Jessup senseless and pin him too.Danny Youngblood and Alex Lobo come out of nowhere and while Alex holds the attention of the other three, Danny single out Rick witt and makes him tap out with Tazmission.

Russel Velvet simply says "I quit. this ain't my thing and i did what i came here to do." No one's even near him.

Joker and paul Dwayne fight to the front of the arena and someone comes barreling in the entrance and hits them with a janitors cart. HOLY CRAP IT'S WRECKER!

Wrecker runs past them and grabs the mic out of Owen Sweda's hand. (all the refs have mics for the "I quit" stipulation) "This is my fucking match! How the fuck can you have a hardcore match without me?" And to prove his point he picks up a coil of barb wire puts it over his head and then cross-body blocks Paul Dwayne to the floor and bear hugs him until he taps out. The crowd is going bugnuts and chanting "Fuck em up, Wrecker. Fuck em up!"

Turk and Wizard are brawling hard with Alex Lobo and Danny Youngblood.

Combat Walker just did a Super Dragon style curb stomp on joker, and now he counts him out.

Danny Youngblood takes a ladder to the face from Turk 187 and then Turk turns the ladder on Lobo. Wizard counts out Lobo, but Turk can't capitalize by counting out Youngblood because he's busy fending off an enraged Combat Walker who's swinging a mop at him. Oh! Turk takes a mop in the mush.

Wrecker has Vampire up in the ring and is stomping him down. There's a table there. What's he got? Lighter fluid!? Wrecker puts Vampire through a flaming table and gets a three count amidst the wreckage. Beautiful! Dianne O'Connor has the presence of mind to use the fire extinguisher after Bob Kowalic makes the count.

Wizard smashes Youngblood back to the floor again with a hockey stick and then makes him tap out by shoving it into his mouth and leaning on it. That's just sick!

Robbie K goes down under a barrage of chair shots from Wrecker and get counted out.

Wizard and Turk 187 are double teaming Combat Chris Walker and it doesn't look so good for him. They sandwich him in the ladder and Wizard slams it with a chair and then Turk goes upstairs and frog splashes it. Turk looks more fucked up than Walker. Wizard makes the cover and counts Walker out.

Wrecker comes from behind, grabs Wizards by the leg and rams his right knee (yes, the one he had surgery on) into the ladder, and then again. Wizard rolls away clutching his knee and howling. Wrecker is on him in a flash and three counts later Wizard is out.

Wrecker picks up a chair. Turk is up too and has a chair as well. They look long and hard at each other. Turk 187 points at him and mouths "You're dead." Wrecker lifts his chair for the audience, which is going fucking crazy, and then brings it down to hold out in front of him like some kind of fucked up samurai warrior.

The chair duel is on. Three loud smashes against each other and Wrecker ducks the fourth and plants his chair smack dab up against the back of Turk's skull. Turk goes down like he's been shot with a cannon and wrecker covers him for one... two... th... what the fuck? Wrecker pulls him up before the third count and hauls him to his feet. He swipes owen Sweda's mic again.

"I am not done with you yet." says Wrecker and then he whips Turk into the barb wire ropes. Wrecker stomps over, takes the coil of wire off of himself (is it me or did her seem more comfortable with it there?) and proceeds to tie Turk to the barbwire ring ropes with it. Wrecker motions for Sweda to put the mic up.

"Do you quit, Turk?"

"Fuck you." Says Turk while struggling to free himself.

Wrecker reaches down and picks up a light tube that is miraculously still intact and smashes it over Turk. I will never get used to seeing that.

"What about now?"

"Fuck you."

Wrecker smashes him with a garbage can, and again it's "Fuck you."

Wrecker pounds him over and over until Turk is only held up by the wire. He's out. He's gone. Wrecker finally has to call for a pair of cutters to get him loose and count him out.

The day finishes with Wrecker holding up a coil of wire while blood runs down his arm as he is proclaimed the PHW Hardcore champion.
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic